TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city historically known for historic society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be huge. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the Placing green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Several of the finest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely outside of place. Made by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But yes, positive, let's have A different area exactly where American Adult men can use robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace try since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although former negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: offer Everybody a set around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often tender electrical power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every single unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not Trump Tower Damascus open up a tower within a war zone. It is really that he must end applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the project, replied, "You understand, person, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Very good men and women. Good tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head obvious from Room, a feature being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as the chin is… effectively, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following getting the making's gold plating mirrored a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It really is not just hideous. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Puzzling Functions


Probably the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium in which visitors might ponder obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local climate Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Approach: "In the event you Bomb It, They can Arrive"


The advert marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Forever."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "wherever's the nearest elevator on the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is by now attracting attention from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree will likely include things like:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to find out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel in which my PTSD may have turn-down service."


Yet another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories advise:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Ultimate Feelings from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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